And Andrew. Hey guys! Question, though – the pitch has lost an important element, the fact that Thomas discovers he is a wilding Fey. Please check your entries and try again. Thank you! Article I wrote: “Talking Turkey” Pitch: “A reporter’s whimsical interview of a turkey teaches him more than he ever thought possible, ending with the greatest news he’s ever heard.”. Thanks Dannie! Critical feedback will be greatly appreciated. Which sounds more appealing? My suggestion would be to tighten the word count and replace weak verbs such as isn’t, accept, becoming. I think this is enough for the logline. MK, I think the phrase after the dash makes your logline. I’ve had the hardest time trying to describe the pull without going into to much detail. Stacy, this is almost perfect. Dorianna, Bonded to the most powerful dragon in Magid, discovers his plot to kill her and Bond with her unborn child. This technique is similar to how you write and organize source code. If it’s just because she doesn’t want to suffer the consequences of her actions (choosing to confess), in all honesty, I wouldn’t feel any sympathy for her. Will the strange and paradoxical memories that haunt her provide the answer? It seems a bit contradictory. New York: Norton. or just “take out”? I’m sorry that I misspelled Cynric’s name in my last comment. David – I love it! The only thing I can do is give this feedback. adjective. I think it would be stronger if you can hint to WHY she is leaving home to traverse the trail. Example: Ratcliff testified that he was on vacation when his neighbor's tree fell in his yard (13). Hopefully it’ll help down the road. PS~ Wonder what Rachelle thinks of all these comments flying fast and free. I didn’t use them for my proposals, though. What do you do for the bit when your story encompasses 6-7 books and has more than 2 main characters? Another time he was thought by hospital psychiatrists to be rehabilitated and was given unsupervised probation. Not knowing exactly what the story is about, I made up a couple of taglines that could be for either character: Option A: In prison for …, (Name) discovers a deep-rooted conspiracy that could overturn his life sentence, but put his life in danger. I’m intrigued!! I wouldn't suggest leaving this. I would still like to see more detail. I’m sorry it takes your mind to bad places. Eric Carle, The Very Hungry Caterpillar. Also, I’ve tried to make the main clause more imperative and urgent. When Tarya’s family is killed by agents of Lord Falton, she must mold herself into a weapon to avenge their deaths, becoming the very thing she seeks to overcome. Very interesting concept! The world of the Gifted is very intriguing, but I would like to know a bit more about it. Thanks! Good to hear someone would be interested in it! Why is it important to Tarya? When John awakens from a coma with amnesia, he struggles reconnecting with his family only to discover his dark past. It’s a weak word. One author . I just pitched mine. Or maybe I’m just spittin’ in the wind, since I’m not really focused on this book right now…. They’re starting from Greenland ca. A threat is always more powerful when we know who is doing the threatening and why. Instead of the word “normal” try taking it out so it reads: Tommy should be studying or making out with a cheerleader, instead of staring into the eyes of the monster he created. ... Not easily distinguished from others or from one another because of … A Teach For America teacher navigates racial tension, the dilemma of failing students, the pressures of standardized testing, state intervention, changing administrations, his own firing, and transitioning into a new school in Jacksonville, Florida. Not sure i have nailed it but it’s a start…. Gabrielle, I agree with P.J. a third grader has a dream in which he must face nine adventurous challenges, fail and be trapped for all time. Currently, she is taking a back seat to the infant and the governor. Thirteen-year-old Mary Shirley’s childhood ends the day she leaves her home in Virginia to traverse Daniel Boone’s cleared buffalo trail into Kentucky. If you could bring that back in and tell a little more clearly what the stakes are, I think that would make your hook more compelling. Will definitely look at this again . Hunting down the lifelong friend who betrayed his father leaves Fletch out of time, discovering you can’t kill a man twice. Thanks M. I am assuming people know that the Nazis were in WWII, and that the price of being found out a spy was to be tortured to death, as well as her children, which I didn’t mention in the short version. I would certainly want to read more. What can you tell us, more specifically, about these two powerful forces and the characters through whom they are conveyed? I’ll have to think about how to describe Zac more. Daniel, now that version I really like! Which do you like better? Here it is again reworked. Nice, This will definitely catch any readers attention. When John Smith discovers the CEO of his company is bilking millions of dollars from investors,OK, now his personal crisis. A compound-complex sentence contains at least two independent clauses and at least one dependent clause. When Mr. Oliver goes missing from Charlie’s neighborhood and his family discovers newspaper clippings about different local missing person cases, the precocious twelve year old and her best friend get wrapped up in a deadly game of whodunit. It kind of clashed–rocker-second fiddle (I don’t know, Dave Matthews uses fiddles, right?). I was trying to chop down a much longer ‘story blurb’ and was tripping over what to leave out. I like the play on lead and dancing, but I want to know what’s at stake. Working from the POV of the protagonist is a better approach – thanks. What will he lose by helping this woman? Examples of Enjambment. Daily Devotional Series called “God’s Promises Personalized”. You have a powerful story here and your second pitch is almost perfect. In these books, swords tend to have names – and that fact that it’s a named sword matters more, I think, than the name of the kingdom. I had uncertainties about the protagonist, and treated the issue as having several, with one taking more priority over the rest, just as I also have several p.o.v.’s, depending on the action in a particular scene. Good point, Lisa. The sentence is quite vague. Does the man get caught? If a work does not have an author, date, title, or source, visit the page on how to adjust reference list entries when reference information is missing. Why is Zac stopping her? 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S difficult boiling it down to one sentence summary in just a little and. To oblige!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!... Stein and Boston ’ s uniqueness brighter future work through the topics ( is dangerous!

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